Shakespeare & Scrutiny
by mayzee
Summary: Episode tag/what if scenario to 4x20 where they investigated the murder of a high school teacher and Jane managed to infiltrate himself into a play to catch the killer. At the end of the episode they received a text from Rigsby announcing the birth of his son Ben. It picks up just after Jane left the bullpen looking upset. Angst & a little bit of fluff. Threeshot. Now complete!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: As my other fairly recent twoshot was such a lovely an unexpected success (Cannoli & Confession - please check it out if you haven't read it) I decided to write another little episode tag/what if scenario (or perhaps it should be better titled 'if only' scenario).**

 **This one's for 4x20 that I rewatched recently. This was the one where they investigated the murder of a high school teacher and Jane managed to infiltrate himself into a play to catch the killer. At the end of the episode they received a text from Rigsby announcing the birth of his son Ben. It picks up just after Jane left the bullpen looking upset. Threeshot at most.  
**

* * *

Shakespeare & Scrutiny

Chapter 1

Jane lay on his attic bed, his mind full of the first moments of Charlotte 's life. Rigsby was experiencing such minutes now and he envied him immensely. Pleased that his colleague and friend had the chance to have what he had once but still tinged with jealousy. And guilt that he felt that way. He had no right to make this joyous moment about his own pain and sighed heavily, closing his eyes.

He heard her footsteps behind the door, a brief hesitation before she knocked on it. He opened his eyes and sighed again. He didn't deserve her concern either (or her in his life at all come to that) but telling Teresa Lisbon not to worry was like telling an overeater not to have another piece of pie. Utterly pointless.

He plastered a smile on his face. 'Come in, Lisbon.'

She slid the door across and came to stand beside him. Though she tried to hide it with a smile he saw her anxiety for him. He had evidently not hidden his pained reaction quickly enough at seeing the photograph of Rigsby's child before he left the bullpen.

'Hey' she said brightly, 'We thought we'd go to O'Malleys to celebrate, you know, wet the baby's head.'

Jane nodded. 'A fine tradition indeed.' He closed his eyes, his fingers clasped together and resting on his stomach, 'Have fun but don't overdo it. You're cranky enough in the mornings without a hangover to boot.'

'Jane. Come on, the whole team's going. That means you too. Don't be such a killjoy.'

'Mmm. Tempting, but I think I'll pass. I'm a little tired after my stage performance earlier.'

She tutted and he could imagine her accompanying pout. 'You were on stage for less than five minutes.'

'Well it's not the length of the performance that matters, Lisbon, it's the quality of it.'

She huffed. 'Yeah, I think I heard that same excuse from a guy before under different circumstances' she muttered under her breath.

He opened his eyes immediately at her slightly suggestive comment, watched her chew her bottom lip as she looked off to the side following it, her mind now trying to come up with another reason for him to attend the gathering. 'Oh?' he grinned. 'Well that certainly sounds like an interesting story.'

She turned her head back towards him and blushed but stood her ground. 'Well if you come tonight I might tell you about it if you're so interested.'

He grinned again and she mirrored it although both knew that particular tale would remain a secret whether he came to the bar or not.

He sighed and sat up on his bed, his look turning serious. 'I'm okay, Teresa. Really.' He nodded to emphasise his statement.

'I never said you weren't' she immediately replied.

He looked out the open doorway to his right, shaking his head.

'Come' she continued softly. Then she went in for the kill. 'Please, Jane.'

He met her eyes and gave her a look that told her he knew she was playing dirty.

She raised her chin in response, challenging him.

He got off the bed and grabbed his jacket. He gestured for her to go in front of him with one arm outstretched silently. She smiled in victory as she looked over her shoulder at him as she left with his hand pressed to the small of her back.

* * *

As Lisbon told them she would fetch the first round Cho, Van Pelt and Jane settled in a booth in the bar, the evening revellers making them raise their voices as they talked and an overweight fifty year old clad in an AC/DC T-shirt murdered one of their songs on the karaoke at the far end of the room.

Cho quipped, 'Never mind Highway to Hell, think I'm already there listening to that monstrosity.'

Van Pelt laughed as Jane smiled, tilting his head to catch a glimpse of chestnut hair at the crowded bar. 'I'll go help Lisbon with the drinks' he said, standing up.

When he arrived there she was waiting on the drink orders, her money clutched tightly to her palm, her eyes concentrated on following the barman's movements. A man he recognised from the D.A.'s office was attempting to engage her in conversation and she nodded quickly and said an odd word as he talked, only sporadically looking in his direction. It took Jane a couple of seconds to realise he was attempting to pick her up and he felt a sudden feeling of possessiveness overcome him. He had to get a handle on that he told himself but pushed his way through the throng towards her anyway. He tapped her on the shoulder and saw her tense, intent on giving whoever this was a piece of her mind until she turned around and flashed a smile upon realising it was him. Jane almost childishly stuck his tongue out at the buffoon next to her but refrained himself, dazzling a grin in his direction instead. He saw the man's shoulders slump, recognising him instantly as the bane of the D.A.'s office and rolled his eyes, moving away from the bar. Jane shook his head slightly as Lisbon paid the barman. If the idiot wasn't willing to put up any kind of fight for her attention he didn't deserve her anyway. She passed him a couple bottles of beer and gestured for him to go ahead of her back to the table.

As they settled into the booth and toasted Rigsby's new son Ben talk turned to the case they'd just solved. Lisbon had relaxed after a couple of beers and she enjoyed goading Jane in front of the others. 'Of course I'm sure there would have been an easier way to get a confession but Mr Showman here had to get on stage and ham it up.'

He chuckled alongside her, downing the beer in his hand. 'Excuse me! I put in a very convincing performance. I'm expecting a call from the Royal Shakespeare Company any day now, Lisbon.'

'Yeah, I won't hold my breath' she laughed, her green eyes twinkling at his.

As he went to fetch more drinks he had to admit he was having fun and this was definitely a better way of spending an evening than wallowing in self pity in his attic. Perhaps he'd give his hunt for Red John the night off. He glanced at her from the bar, his mind telling him that was dangerous territory to explore, even for one night.

When he returned she was listening intently to Van Pelt tell her about the victim's former student turning her life around and looking very much like a proud parent herself at her mentoring of Grace over the years and turning her into a fine accomplished agent. His heart softened and wondered if she ever thought about having children of her own. Most women he'd met had considered it by her age. She was a little awkward but good with children and he suddenly pictured a dark haired cherub being soothed over her shoulder. He wondered if he'd be around to see that one day.

As Cho fished out his phone to show Van Pelt an update text from Rigsby he tapped her arm, putting another beer in front of them both.

'Oh, you're back, are you? I thought you must have gotten the call from your agent for your debut on Broadway.'

She really was amusing when a little buzzed by alcohol. 'You joke now, Lisbon. You'd be begging me to come back if I ever left you for a greater purpose.'

Instead of joking back he saw something in her eyes instead, some kind of acknowledgement that she knew he wouldn't always be by her side and a faint hint of delight that he'd used the word 'you' instead of 'the CBI' or 'the team'. He wished he could tell her she was wrong but if he killed Red John then chances were he wasn't coming back from that, one way or another. He would most likely never see the vision of her with a child of her own and it saddened him that was the case. So he met her gaze, smiling sadly at her, allowing his own ache at the thought of a life without her to show for an instant. It was by far the most intimate moment they'd ever shared and he fought the urge to put his hand on hers, afraid of where that one touch may lead them this evening.

A second later she smiled fully at him, taking a deep breath, pulling back slightly as she did so, turning the conversation to less sensitive issues. 'So, pleased you came out tonight?'

He raised an eyebrow. 'Did I have a choice in the matter?'

'Nope, not really' she grinned, taking a swig from her bottle.

'You're quite the emotional blackmailer when you want to be, you know that?'

She shrugged, looking at him sideways, her lips on the lip of the bottle. 'Learned from the best.'

* * *

Later on as the crowd thinned out and Cho and Van Pelt had said their goodbyes they sat alone together in the booth, beer bottles clasped to their hands. 'Thank you for making me come out tonight' he said softly, peeling the label from the bottle. 'I enjoyed it.'

'Me too' she replied. She turned to face him, studying the lines etched in his face, the faraway look in his eyes as he stared at the bottle in front of him. Encouraged by some dutch courage she added, 'I know seeing that photo of Ben must have brought back some memories.'

He nodded and blinked rapidly, his mouth pursed in a thin line.

'You know you can always talk to me, don't you?' she continued. 'I mean, if you wanted to. About them.'

'I know' he finally replied, his voice cracking slightly. He picked up the bottle and took a long drink from it.

Putting it back on the table he turned towards her, her emerald eyes drawing him in to continue his gaze, his eyes roving over her face, making sure he memorised it fully in this instant in the dim light of the bar. They settled on her lips, glistening from beer. Out of the corner of his eye he saw her pulse quicken in her throat, her mouth part slightly. It would be so easy to kiss her right now. He wanted to in this moment more than in many others before. And she would allow it, would welcome it as much as he would. They could laugh it off and blame the alcohol for a moment of madness despite both of them knowing they were hardly intoxicated. It would be awkward for a few days but they'd get over that and go back to how things were before. Or at least pretend to do so convincingly enough to get by. It wouldn't have to spoil their friendship or working relationship. He suddenly realised he felt no guilt attached to the thought of kissing her. Unlike when he had kissed Erica Flynn and succumbed to her seduction for a few seconds afterwards he was absolutely mortified, immediately feeling that he had cheated on his wife by doing so. He was sure he wouldn't feel the same if he gave into temptation this time. Instead he was certain he'd feel only comfort, warmth, softness, tenderness. All the things he'd denied himself for so long.

It would help fix him.

It was this thought that made him pull back.

He noticed her frown slightly at his reaction, confused by the sudden change in temperature and distance between them.

He couldn't be fixed. He'd told her that years before but she was attempting to do so every day anyway. Some days it worked and he'd feel lightness in his heart again for a few minutes or even sometimes a few hours. The truth was that he didn't want to be fixed. Not completely. He couldn't risk it. Someone who was whole again permanently could not be the man needed to catch Red John. He needed to be cold, calculating, determined, and alone. Perhaps even a single kiss from her might prove his ultimate undoing in his quest for vengeance.

But still he stared at her. He had never even kissed her cheek like he had with Hightower or some others. It was too close, too intimate with Lisbon. But he still wanted to in this moment despite his tremendous reservations; he still desperately wanted to know what her skin tasted like, what her lips tasted like, the inside of her mouth. He could feel his heart hammer in his chest at the thought. He needed to put more space between them before he gave in.

'I need to use the bathroom' he said, finally taking his eyes off her, quickly moving out of the booth.

* * *

 **A/N: Hope you enjoyed the first chapter. I'm guessing another one/two at most will wrap this little story up.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Okay so this story has kind of got away on me and I think there'll be one more chapter after this one. It's certainly morphed from episode tag to AU this chapter.**

* * *

Chapter 2

He splashed cold water on his face, calming his heart rate. Looking in the bathroom mirror the scene reminded him of his doomed date with Kristina Frye. He shook his head, took a deep breath and resolved he would do as he had planned to do that night. Make an excuse and leave. Be the coward he was.

When he got closer to the table he noticed the man who had tried hitting on her earlier was now seated in the booth, his arm dangling over its leather back and his fingers dangerously close to Lisbon's shoulder. He guessed he wasn't the only coward here tonight. But this one clearly had injected himself with enough alcohol to make another attempt. Lisbon wasn't nearly drunk enough to go for him. Or at least not yet. And if she did decide to throw caution to the wind and have a one night stand then it was none of his business. A little empty glamour like with Mashburn that he couldn't blame her for.

He rolled his eyes, wishing he really could believe that sentiment. He battled with what to do. Leave like he had planned (that this moron would take as a green light to press on in his endeavours) or get between them. He rolled his eyes again. Like he even considered the first option for a millisecond.

He sat down again, composed and confident, raising his eyes at the dingbat in the cheap suit. 'Dick, isn't it?' he said in his most pleasant tone, enunciating the first word.

'Richard, actually' the other man replied, clearly annoyed by Jane's presence once again.

Lisbon turned around and frowned at him, asking silently if he was okay after his sudden jaunt to the bathroom. He smiled effortlessly at her.

She nodded and smiled at him though a questioning expression remained. 'Richard's just telling me about the Renwick case' she said after a moment. 'He was able to get him to agree to a deal for twelve years.'

Jane tilted his head. 'Oh, is that considered good?'

Lisbon pulled her head back. 'Well, yes. The evidence we had was mostly superficial. And it means we won't have to testify in court.'

'The man was a murderer. I'd have held out for court.'

The other man responded immediately. 'Yeah, well when you're on the stand, Jane, it's hit or miss whether we actually get a conviction or not. Safer this way.'

So Dick had some teeth at least. 'Oh? And when was the last time you had a miss?' Jane looked pensive, drumming his fingers to his lips. 'Um...I think it was...yes...never on any case I'm involved in solving.'

Lisbon looked from one man to the other, suddenly feeling like some kind of carcass two wolves were fighting over. She decided to pull herself out of the situation. 'I'm going to use the ladies. Play nice until I get back for god's sake.' She glared at Jane as she left who shrugged innocently in return.

* * *

When she returned she wasn't surprised to find Jane sitting alone in the booth. She sat back down beside him. 'Okay, what did you do?'

'Mmm?' he smiled, feigning ignorance.

'With Richard, what did you say to him?'

'Nothing. He had to go home. He had enough to drink.'

She eyed him suspiciously.

'Why, were you interested in him?'

She gaped at him. 'What! No! Of course not!'

He shrugged, taking a sip of the scotch he'd acquired, trying to ignore the rush of pleasure he felt from hearing those words from her. 'So you should thank me, then.'

She relaxed and took a sip of the bourbon he had placed on the table for her. Before it met her lips she stopped and narrowed her eyes at him. 'You hypnotised him, didn't you?' she hissed.

He looked at her sideways, delight in his eyes. 'Maybe a little' he smiled, chuckling as he took another sip.

'Oh for god's sake, Jane! Why the hell would you do that!'

'Because the man's an ass, Lisbon. Don't fret, he'll go home and get into bed, won't be a danger to himself of anyone else. I was protecting you from him.'

'Really?' she laughed. 'You were protecting me, were you? Well, you may find this hard to believe but I am somewhat accustomed to men trying it on with me when I'm out in public. I can handle giving someone the brush off, even when they're not drunk like he was.'

'What makes you think I find that hard to believe?'

'What, that I get hit on at all or can beat them off with a stick effectively?' she replied, a hint of amusement now in her voice.

'Well' Jane stammered, Both, I guess.'

She rolled her eyes, sloshing the amber liquid around her glass.

'Sorry' he shrugged.

She laughed heartily and he grinned, his heart warmed by the sound. 'It's alright; he was doing a pretty clumsy job of it. Saved me the bother.'

'Beat them off with a stick, eh?' he smirked.

She blushed, her eyes darting to the inside of her glass. 'It's just an expression. When guys find out I'm a cop it usually works as a pretty effective deterrent.'

He smiled softly at her, her earlier bravado had faltered and her insecurities were beginning to emerge again. She really had no idea how breathtaking she was. Her small statue and delicate features belied an inner strength he wished he had. Nothing could break her and he sadly wondered if that was why he pushed her to her limit sometimes, the cruel and self loathing part of him wanting to see how much she could take before she gave up on him, while a greater part of him hoped she never would.

'Well if that's all it takes for someone to lose interest in you then they're not worthy of your attention in the first place, Lisbon.'

'Yeah' she sighed. 'I know.'

He thought back to his earlier thoughts about her being a mother one day. About someone filling a gap he never could. He was as undeserving of her as those who saw her job as an impediment and was both relieved and frustrated in equal measure that he hadn't kissed her earlier as that thought permeated his brain. 'You should find love in your life, though. You deserve to have it.'

She looked at him, a glimmer of annoyance in her eyes but something else too in her tone that he couldn't quite fathom but it sounded both accusing and inquisitive with a soupcon of hope. 'You think I don't want that?' she asked quietly as her eyes locked on his.

He creased his brow, trying to read the meaning behind her words. He shrugged. 'You've hardly dated anyone since I joined the team.'

He knew he was entering dangerous territory again but he couldn't help but ask the question. He didn't have the courage to follow through with the real question he wanted answered. _Did you date before I joined?_ Or the killer question. _Am I the reason you don't date?_ He was terrified of the answer to that one whatever answer she might give.

She diverted the question as he expected she would. 'Well, you know the hours we work. Hardly have time for dinner most nights never mind find a meaningful relationship.' She glanced at him quickly but her eyes unwittingly told him, _Apart from you, that is._

He knew he should be ashamed that those unspoken words could fill him with such contentment. He knew he should attempt to help her make connections with people other than him. To find someone truly worthy of her and encourage her to pursue that aspect of her life. But he was a selfish bastard and by doing that it would inevitably lead to her spending less time with him. And he wasn't near ready for that. And he was becoming increasingly afraid he never would be.

'How about you?' she asked. She bit her bottom lip gently. 'Ever think about it?' Her voice was overly casual; trying to pretend it was a perfectly normal question to ask.

His lips parted at her enquiry, surprised at her unexpected boldness. 'Tried that once with Kristina Frye. Result didn't exactly give me reason to try again.'

'So, that's it, huh? One date and you're done?'

'Well, it was a pretty disastrous date even before Red John got hold of her.'

 _She didn't know that_ , he thought immediately as he saw a faint upturn in her lips before she controlled it. And then a look of guilt that she felt that way.

'I'm better on my own' he told her, hoping to convince her of that. And perhaps convince himself in the process.

She covered up the hurt she felt at those words by attacking the statement instead. 'That's bullshit, Jane' she snapped. 'No one's better on their own.'

He grinned, deflecting her words with a joke. 'Well I can think of about twenty different species of animals that would disagree with you and lead mainly solitary lives perfectly happy.'

He knew the joke was over the line when he saw her glare at him. Lisbon had many different types of glares. Some were decidedly light, almost like a joke between them. More often they were filled with exasperation and sometimes they were tinged with anger. This one was more like barely caged blind fury.

She shook her head, her lips pursed in a tight line and went to put her leather jacket on.

He sighed, putting a hand on her arm. 'Lisbon-'

She pulled her arm free from his hand and pushed herself out of the booth. 'Forget it, Jane. You want to be alone? Fine. You be alone.'

She zipped her jacket up with a flourish and left him sitting on his own in the bar.

He downed his scotch, the whisky burning his throat but he felt nothing besides self hatred.

* * *

 **A/N: So a part of me wants to leave it there in angsty hell but the hopeless romantic in me is screaming out to write one more chapter. What do you think?**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I'm absolutely stupefied by all the lovely reviews and votes for another chapter. So here it is. It may not be exactly what some people wanted for the conclusion but hopefully you'll enjoy it nonetheless.**

 **And for those reading my multichapters I'm getting back to writing them tomorrow so not long for some updates (I'll probably try to wrap up Missing first so I can then focus more on my other two with more timely updates). Although I am already planning a new story and accompanying sequel but I'm not going to post anything for that for a little while yet. Also I have a few more what if/episode tags in mind too so no sign of me stopping writing for a while yet as long as people are happy to read what I do!**

* * *

Chapter 3

Jane felt the cold air hit him like a slap in the face as he left the bar, sobering him up immediately. He shivered and pulled his jacket tighter around him. He held out a hand and flagged a cab down. As he slumped against the back seat he gave the address of the CBI to the driver. He sighed as he looked out of the window at his side, streetlights illuminating the familiar streets. As he studied his reflection in the window he saw an old man look back at him, his mouth twisted in a grimace, a frown highlighting the lines on his face. A cruel and utter fool.

He closed his eyes to make the image disappear, the gentle motion of the cab drawing him closer to sleep. In his limbo state he saw her face before him, angry and hurt, green eyes staring back at him. He opened his eyes again, unable to look at that image either and noticed he was almost at headquarters. Before he gave himself time to change his mind he leaned forward in the seat.

'Sorry, change of plan' he said to the driver.

* * *

Lisbon padded about her living room barefoot, changed into yoga pants and a t shirt, her hair tied back into a ponytail. She slammed the kettle on the stove, too keyed up to have any chance of drifting off to sleep yet. Another night spent lying awake thinking about Patrick Jane. Bloody idiot she was. She dug out the peppermint tea he'd told her helped relaxation. She fired a teabag into a mug, rolling her eyes. Some chance.

When her doorbell sounded a few minutes later as she lay on her couch, her television tuned to a sitcom she had little interest in, she frowned. She knew exactly who it was but was surprised he hadn't skulked off to his attic after she abandoned him in the bar. She had expected him to do just that and then pretend no words had been said between them and act normal (well as normal as Jane's behaviour ever could be) at work the following day. And she, like an imbecile, would of course play along.

She raised herself from the couch with a sigh then checked the peephole. He stood there, hands in his pockets, rocking himself against the cool air as it ruffled through his hair. His head was down, his posture tense.

She stood back and considered ignoring him and to leave him out in the cold.

'You know I can always pick the lock if you don't open the door, Lisbon' he said, his voice muffled by the door between them.

She rolled her eyes, pulling back the locks and opened it, her jaw clenched, her features tight. 'Would have given me an excuse to shoot you if you had' she responded, gesturing with a sharp nod of her head for him to come in.

'Since when do you need an excuse to want to do that, especially tonight?' He chanced a smile, shrugged when her face gave no reaction in return and moved through the gap.

As she closed the door behind him he went straight to her kitchen, skimming his fingertips on the just boiled kettle and lit the stove under it again. He noticed the peppermint tea box still on the counter and picked it up. 'Do you mind?' he asked, his head turned ninety degrees with his back still to her.

'Since when do you ask' came the reply at his back.

He sensed her move away to take up residence on the couch again and silently made his tea before coming to join her. She was sprawled across it, leaving no room for him to sit down beside her. So he sat on the seat opposite, sipping his tea slowly as he watched her face as the moving images on screen flickered in front of her, her mind elsewhere. Both waited for the other to speak first.

He took a deep breath. 'Lisbon.'

Her eyes flickered to his for a split second before pretending to watch TV again.

'Lisbon' he said again. 'I...I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.'

'You didn't' came the defensive reply immediately.

'Well I guess we're all good then, aren't we?' he replied sarcastically with an eye roll as he took another sip of his tea.

She turned the sound off on the television, straightened into a sitting position. Her voice was quiet, her gaze intense. 'Did you really mean what you said? About being better off on your own?'

He nodded mutely.

She looked down to her lap, played with the mug in her hands, gaining heat from its sides. Bringing her eyes back to him she asked, 'So then why are you here at all? Shouldn't you be in your thinking room moping if you're better off that way?'

He raised an eyebrow. 'I don't mope.'

'Please. You're the biggest moper I know.'

'That's not even a word, Lisbon.'

'Yeah, well the sentiment is true in any case' she bit back with immediately.

They looked at each other, smiling softly as their repartee papered over the cracks once again. Lisbon shook her head and sighed loudly. 'Do you have any idea how frustrating it is that I can't stay mad at you for long?'

He laughed softly. 'I have some idea but I'm grateful that it's true anyway.'

'It's not true, though' she said quietly after a few seconds. 'I mean about you being on your own. You're not. Whether you like it or not or want it to be that way. We have your back. You're part of the team like everyone else.'

He shrugged. 'The team, eh?' he smiled, shaking his head.

'Of course' she replied tersely.

'So, you were offended on behalf of the team earlier, were you?'

She averted her eyes and played with the television's remote control that sat on the arm rest.

'I'm trying to do the right thing here, Teresa.'

Her eyes popped back to his at the sound of her first name. 'Yeah, and what's that? Keep us at arm's length so when you ditch us we'll be glad to see the back of you?'

Frustration took over and there was annoyance in his tone. 'Look, if we're really going to have this conversation can we at least stop the pretence that this has anything to do with the damn team?'

She took the bait and moved forward on the couch, turning the television off. 'Fine. Let's have it then. What the hell am I to you? Just a convenience that you use when it suits you to get you out of trouble? Someone you don't give a damn about but make me think you do occasionally to keep me sweet for the next time you act impulsively?'

Her words stung and he pulled his head back as if she'd punched him. 'Of course not' he replied immediately. Although he had to admit there was a glimmer of truth to some of them.

'You're my friend, Lisbon. You're...'

Silence hung in the air for some moments as he tried to find the correct word or turn of phrase. He prided himself on his vast vocabulary but in this instant he couldn't think of a word that described what she meant to him. All the phrases that rolled around his head sounded like clichés from love songs. His light. The only brightness in his day. His anchor. His saviour.

He ran a hand through his hair.

She must have seen his struggle as the next words were hers.

'So then how can you say you're on your own?' she asked gently, more for the words he hadn't said to her than those he actually had.

He sighed loudly, shook his head. 'Okay, perhaps what I should have said is that I should be.'

'Is this the nonsense about Red John targeting people you're close to, again? Jane, like I told you before, I'm a cop; I know the risks of the job I chose. Besides that, he's never actually went after me or anyone else on the team yet-'

'Oh, and what about O'Laughlin? What was that?'

'Surveillance, obviously, through Grace.'

'He shot you, Lisbon.'

The memory of that day still haunted him. Her ragged breathing in his ear, the sheer terror he'd felt at the sounds of gunshots, the sense of hopelessness at not being there beside her, the guilt he'd felt afterwards that he'd put her in the firing line. And, of course, that he'd failed her as usual by choosing his vengeance instead of rushing to her side. He had hoped that day would be the last she'd have to suffer because of his actions but here they were almost a year later and he was still putting her through hell.

'Really? I'd forgotten' she replied, rolling her eyes. 'He only did that because his back was against the wall. He was after Hightower, not me or the team. We were just in his way.'

'Even if that were true it's only a matter of time before Red John does come after you.' He paused, the next word stuck in his throat. 'Purposefully.'

She shrugged at the word, clear to him it hadn't affected her. He wished she wouldn't be so brave sometimes as much as he admired her strength.

'Lisbon-'

'Jane, if he comes after me then he comes after me. There's not a lot we can do about that. And if he does it won't be your fault.'

He cocked his head at her. 'Really? Who else's fault would it be?'

' _His_ for god's sake' she hissed.

She narrowed her eyes at him. After so many years working with him and learning how to read people better he had unwittingly taught her how to read him too. She wasn't always successful and when he had the time to draw a thick veil over his emotions she had no chance of doing so but tonight, when he was more weary and unguarded, she could tell there was more to his need to keep her at a distance than simply trying to protect her from Red John.

'What else?' she asked.

'Hmm?'

'There's more to it than that. What's the other reason you're insisting on pushing me and everyone else away?'

'The thought of Red John targeting you isn't enough?'

'There's more to it than that' she responded assuredly.

'Like what?' he asked vaguely. He didn't want to give more away than he had to.

She thought back to her earlier statement, to the time when the hunt would be over for him. 'What are your plans?' she frowned. 'Say he's out of the picture, what then?'

'I haven't put a lot of thought into it.'

'I don't believe you. It's the very thing you live for and you're telling me you've given no regard to what happens next?'

He deflected the question back to her. 'What do you think will happen that day?'

'My best guess? You'll want to kill him and I'll want to stop you.'

'But you know you won't be able to.'

'I don't know that. I'm hoping that you'll decide he's not worth what it would do to you to actually go through with it.'

His eyes were dark and cold. 'It will mean nothing to me to kill him.'

She pulled her mug from the table, tightening her hands around it. 'You can't kill a man and it not affect you. All the people I've had to kill...while I knew I had to each time...it still takes its toll on a person.'

He knew that there were nights she slept no better than he did, plagued by nightmares of what her career forced her to do sometimes. 'Well you have the misfortune of having some kind of misplaced conscience in these matters.'

'And you don't, I suppose?'

He shrugged. 'I've killed before' he argued. 'Twice in fact. Didn't change who I am.'

'The first time was to save a life' she replied, her tone soft as she recalled how he'd killed Hardy to save her.

'And the second?'

'Carter had a gun. Self defence.'

He chuckled. 'You think I wouldn't have killed him anyway even if he hadn't?'

She dodged the question, didn't want to consider it too closely. 'It's a different matter to actually murder someone in cold blood. I don't think you have that in you.'

'Then, my dear, you're delusional.'

'And so are you if you think killing him won't affect you.'

'Doesn't matter. I'll be saving the lives of his next victims' he shrugged. 'And besides he's not a man in my eyes. He's a cockroach.'

He sighed loudly. 'You need to accept that truth, Lisbon. That I'm going to kill him and that you won't be able to talk me out of it no matter how long it is until the day I do. One of these days there will be a fork in the road we're on and we'll each choose a different path.'

'I can't accept that.'

He looked to the ceiling in frustration before slamming his mug down on the coffee table, startling her and got up from the chair, beginning to pace. 'Jesus, you're obstinate! What is it going to take for you to get it into your head, woman!' He stopped and looked to his feet before seating himself beside her, his voice calm again as he stared into her eyes. 'You need to pull away from me, Lisbon and realise I'll do anything to catch him, even if that means hurting you in the process. More than I have already. So before that day comes you need to take a step back. You need to...' He shook his head, unable to say the next words. _Stop loving me._

She put her mug on the table and placed her hand on top of his. He closed his eyes as her fingers stroked his knuckles, soft and velvety against his skin, soothing. 'We both know it's too late for that' she whispered.

He popped his eyes open, saw the fear in hers in return; the trepidation that she'd overstepped the mark. She stopped the gentle rub on his hand but didn't remove it.

A soft breath escaped his lungs. 'I never intended for this to happen' he replied wearily. When he saw the blush rise in her cheeks and her embarrassment continue he rubbed his thumb across hers. A small gesture to tell her that she wasn't the only one that was too invested in this relationship.

'Then you shouldn't have been so damn charming' she smiled with a hint of irritation in her tone.

He laughed softly, running his hand over hers. 'I thought I was more damn annoying than anything else' he said to her hand.

'It's a mixture of both' she replied immediately. 'Normally annoying wins out most days.'

They sat like that for a few moments in silence before he gazed at her again. For once in his sorry life he would give her complete honesty. 'I don't have a plan for after. I can't see me surviving it.' He swallowed hard, unable to look her in the eyes as he said the next words. 'I...I don't think I want to.'

She dragged her hand immediately from his and pulled her head back. 'What! Why the hell not!'

He clasped his hands together, missing the warmth of her touch instantly. He chanced a look and saw her expression, horrified, her lips parted, unable to speak anymore. He replied, calmness in his tone that served as a counterpoint to her expression, 'Because I'll have finished what I set out to do. Besides he'll more than likely kill me in the process of me killing him so there's probably not much chance of me having to make a decision on the matter.'

His words came out so matter-of-factly she wanted to punch him. She balled her hand into a fist. 'What if he doesn't, though?!'

'Hardly likely. He's much more experienced in killing than I am after all.'

She thought rationally, pushed the emotional side of her brain aside, and tried to come up with some type of solution that wouldn't end in his death. 'Look, if you're intent on doing this...if you won't be swayed then we plan accordingly. When we find out who he is we work out a plan. Some way of you doing it so the blame doesn't come your way. We can work out an alibi beforehand-'

'Stop, Lisbon' he interjected roughly, his voice pleading. He closed his eyes, tears threatening to fall from them. 'Please, just stop.'

She stopped talking but her mouth hung open, her eyes frantically darting from side to side, and her breathing rapid.

When he opened his eyes again he narrowed them at her, his stare both awestruck and searching at why she continued to try to protect him, to cover for him, even for future actions. He cupped her cheek to make her lock eyes with him, felt her tremble beneath his fingers, his own fingertips feeling like they were on fire as they touched her skin. 'You need to stop' he said in his softest tone.

She debated for a second to argue with him, her urge to fix this, to stop what he presented to her from occurring.

'You can't prevent this, Teresa' he continued, her skin tingling as her first name rolled gently off his lips. 'The day I kill him is going to be brutal and bloody. It's not going to be at the end of some elegant con.'

He removed his hand from her face, unable to resist dragging his fingers from her slowly as he did so, to relish her softness beneath them for as long as possible.

She straightened up, took control before she lost herself in a heap of tears. She cleared her throat. 'But what if he doesn't kill you? What if you survive somehow?' she asked again, her tone insistent. She needed to hear him say the words. To tell her that he planned to take his life afterwards. To know if he absolutely meant it.

'Then it'll be over for both of us either way.'

'But why, Jane? I don't understand why, after all these years, why would you throw your life away after getting what you wanted for so long?'

'Two options as I see it after I murder him. Option one I get arrested. I saw what I had to look forward to with Carter. Life in prison or death penalty. Frankly neither option holds much appeal.'

'We could work on a defence. Claim temporary insanity, something-'

'You're doing it again. Stop trying to fix what can't be fixed. Besides, I wouldn't let you help me, anyway.'

'What's that supposed to mean?'

He sighed, pushed his head back to the soft cushions of her couch, and stared upwards for a few seconds. 'If I were arrested for murder again I wouldn't allow you to visit me in prison. I saw that with Carter too. There you were visiting me when you should have still been in hospital.' He shook his head, closed his eyes. 'I won't let you throw away the remainder of your life on a pipe dream. I owe you so much already but I owe you that most of all.'

'That would be my decision' she responded.

He opened his eyes, inclined his head towards her slightly. 'That's why I'd take it out of your hands.'

She wanted to slap him, to beat him senseless into seeing how stubborn he was being. Before she had a chance to reply he closed his eyes again, turned his head back and nestled it into the softness of her couch. His tone was utterly conversational, lazy almost. 'Second option to arrest is I could run away somehow. Not likely but a possibility depending on how publicly I kill him.'

The thought of never seeing him again was like a dagger to her heart but it was better than visiting his gravesite. 'Okay, so what's wrong with that option?'

He smiled, his eyes still tightly shut, sighed contentedly. For a moment she thought he'd fallen asleep. 'Can't you guess?' he finally asked quietly.

'You know I hate guessing games' she replied petulantly and he opened his eyes, laughed at her. She smiled back but a tear escaped down her cheek. His eyes roved around her face and the little that was left of his facade came crashing down. 'Because I'd never be able to do this again. Just sit somewhere and look at you.'

Her breath hitched in her throat and she could feel her heart hammering in her chest. 'If you chose the first option you would. Please, Jane. If you do this then let me help you after.'

'If I kill him you'll never look at me the same way again. It goes against everything you believe in as a cop if I kill him in cold blood. You might think you wouldn't and I know you'd fight tooth and nail to get me out of it but...it would fracture what we have permanently. And I can't face that. That scares me more than death does.'

Her temper flared at him deciding how she would react. 'You should have more faith in what I will and won't forgive. I've hardly given you reason to believe otherwise, have I?' She sighed heavily. 'So, that's what it comes down, does it? You being a coward as usual? Not wanting to face what might happen, to run away from it instead? Just like in the bar earlier.'

He frowned, sat upright beside her again. 'What are you talking about?'

She was at the end of her tether and felt she had nothing left to lose. 'You were about to kiss me earlier but you wimped out and ran off to the bathroom instead' she challenged.

He blinked rapidly for a second, licked his lips nervously. 'I-'

'Oh, please, don't try and deny it, Jane. I'm-'

'I'm not denying it' he interrupted, his honesty stopping her mid flow. 'But we both know what a tremendous mistake that would be.'

'Why? What are you so afraid of?' She came closer, moved her face nearer his. He felt her thigh brush against his, the heat from her intoxicating. 'That it might give you reason to rethink your grand plan of becoming a martyr?'

He swallowed, watched as her pupils dilated and darkened, her mouth inches from his. 'Lisbon' he sighed. 'Please.'

'Please what? Kiss you or don't kiss you? Which is it?' she asked brusquely.

'Teresa' he breathed.

'Coward' she reiterated the word with absolute clarity, when he didn't move to close the distance between them. She was taunting him, tempting him to find a different path than the one he'd chosen.

He finally replied, his voice thick with emotion, 'Yes. I am.'

She nodded in agreement. 'Yes, you are.' A moment's pause. 'But I'm not.'

She fell forward, her lips finding his and kissed him gently, almost fearfully. Though not unexpected he couldn't react for a moment as his brain processed what had actually happened. When it did he still held back, keeping his eyes open, allowing her this moment but fighting against being a willing participant. He attempted to blot out how smooth her lips were, how he could smell peppermint tea on her breath, coconut in her hair, cinnamon on her skin. She grabbed the lapels of his shirt, pulled him closer, trying to instil a reaction. She ran her tongue against his lips, striving to coax his mouth open. He held fast, his hands grasped to the cushions beside him, trembling as he fought the urge to wrap them around her, to give in to his desire. An involuntary moan escaped as he fought for control and she took full advantage by driving her tongue into his mouth. His eyes fluttered shut and he savoured the sensation of the small thrusts it made against his. He knew in that instant he was powerless to fight any longer, his passion reignited after years of lying dormant. His hands went to her face, holding her still as he returned the kiss, possessively taking control of it as he kissed her deeply, his lips moving against hers with both strength and gentleness. She moaned and he revelled in the sound, his lips finding her neck, nipping at it gently with his teeth as he trailed kisses downwards, his hands circling her waist and pulling her against him.

'Still want to kill yourself?' she gasped as he sucked on the pulse point in her neck.

'I'm still going to kill him' he replied, roughly pulling down the shoulder of her t shirt so he could taste the bare skin there, his nose pushing her bra strap down as he did so.

'Not what I asked' she responded, her fingers working on the buttons of his vest as she kissed his earlobe before biting it gently. She giggled as he started a little at the sensation before he growled with lust.

He didn't respond but instead weaved a hand underneath her top, squeezed her breast, his lips back on hers again.

'Jane' she panted after he released her lips and began to kiss the other side of her neck, his hand massaging her breast in smooth strokes, his thumb circling her nipple. 'Answer me.'

He pulled away from her with a large sigh, his breathing ragged. She smiled as she saw his hair mussed, his cheeks red and his lips swollen, proud that she'd had such an effect on him. She supposed she looked no better as he smirked back. Still he didn't reply.

'Have more faith in me' she said gently. 'Have more faith in what we can both endure even if we're apart.'

She saw him struggle still, part of him afraid of dragging her down a lonely and painstaking road ahead with him, of taking yet more time from her life, of stopping her moving on to someone else. She added, 'Promise me one thing at least.'

He nodded mutely.

She laced her hand in his hair, teasing his curls gently. 'Promise me you'll think of this moment. If you're lucky enough to survive him. Promise me you'll think of this moment right now before you do anything rash.'

He took her other hand in his and kissed its palm. He sighed, shook his head at her. 'I can hardly say no to you now, can I? Okay Lisbon, I can promise you that.'

\- THE END -

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 **A/N: Hopefully you enjoyed the bittersweet ending, didn't want to go too AU but wanted to give a little more substance to the scene after he killed RJ and considered ending his life. We all know it worked out well in the end though, right?! Anyway, thank you for reading and reviewing (hopefully?)**


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